Adventures in the Zoniverse
by xxHeartHeartBreakxx
Summary: When a new girl comes to the Zooniverse, drama ensues. Vince and Howard fight, Mrs. Gideon's jealous and the girl might have a dark secret?
1. Plans and Big News

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Mighty Boosh, it belongs to its rightful owners :-)**

It was a beautiful Monday morning in Dalston, England, and the Zooniverse was raging with an unusually high amount of visitors. There were many different visitors doing different things, children pulled at their parents trousers to go see different animals, others found great opportunities to ask their lover "Will you marry me?" at the zoo, an unusual place to propose, but perfect for animal lovers. The rest just liked to have fun looking at the animals while on a field trip.

Bob Fossil and Dixon Bainbridge were in their office gossiping about the employees and how they worked, most importantly, they were coming up with a plan to get Joey Moose fired.

"Okay Bainbridge, I figured it out. We can drug him and make him talk to the kids about porn!" he said. "That's too complicated, try another plan!" Bainbridge demanded. He was getting impatient after hearing exactly 312 plans in 2 hours. "I'm doing the best I can! Why did we even hire him?" Mr. Fossil asked after tossing the most recent plan on the floor. Then, Bainbridge let out the words that Bob would never forget about every business. "Every business has a douche bag."

That made him think about the plans. "Maybe we should stop picking on poor old Moose. Besides, he won't matter because I have something -" getting cut off, Bainbridge marveled at the many visitors. "We have an unusually large amount of visitors today don't we Fossil?" he asked. "Yes sir…".

Suddenly, Naboo entered the office. "Where's my frog?" he asked. "You smoked it last night!" Fossil answered. "Oh yeah… That was a _good _frog." You could see that Bainbridge and Fossil were annoyed with his his high attitude. "Never mind the frogs!" Yelled Bainbridge. "We need to focus on many things before the day's out."

"Now Fossil, what were you going to say?"

"I'll save it until we get outside."

Outside was lovely. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Marvelous. The visitors seemed to enjoy the animals as the entertained them with their never-ending amounts of toys and props. Even though there were very few animals, they enjoyed them. Look at Bollo in his tire swing. Some like the Pandas best, some like the Elephants best, but most of the visitors like him best. Mostly because he spent years in the jungle, circus, and in several zoos. Finally, he settled in the Zooniverse where is the favorite among visitors. He doesn't overshadow any other animals though. Visitors loved the Elephants, the Cow, and even the aquatic displays. The visitors look upon the animals while we take a look at Mrs. Gideon. She sits near the mighty Cobra with all the attention she has in her. "You sure are a beautiful one" she says sweetly to the Cobra, who she calls "Celia". The snakes had been calm for hours, even when there were a ton of visitors.

We return outside to see that the employees are working hard for today's shift. It was _not _going to be easy.

Suddenly. The postman arrived with a huge wooden box with air holes. The employees looked at the box in awe, wondering what was in it.

The postman took the box to the Reptile House. Mrs. Gideon was waiting at the door. "Here you are Mrs. Gideon, but be careful now, this is one of the rarest creatures in the world." the postman advised her.

"I will make sure he's happy here." she said. After her guarantee of the snake's satisfaction, the postman left to deliver other letters and packages to other people.

Mrs. Gideon carefully opened the box, put some gloves on, and took out the long, beautiful creature with the innermost care. He was an enthralling shade of gold with a touch of ruby and amber blended in, his eyes were emerald green. The postman was right, this _was_ a rare type of animal and she had to be careful with it. "Oh how I wish I could take you home with me and keep you in my garden!" Mrs. Gideon cried. She did have a large cage for _some _type of animal, she wanted to keep that amazing creature that was in the box in front of her, but she also knew that an animal that rare should be kept at the zoo. "If you're going to be at the zoo, you should have a name." Mrs. Gideon said to the unnamed creature. "I'll call you… _Diamond. _Because you're so beautiful."

She put Diamond back in the wooden box and gathered up some scattered tools from the closet by the doors to start making an impressive tank. Diamond slithered around in the box, out of happiness.

We return to the outside of the Zooniverse where many visitors are enthralled by the animals. They are performing tricks now and eating healthy. While the visitors peered at the many different animals, Vince and Howard sat on the bench and argued about which chocolate was the best.

"Milk chocolate's the best!" Vince argued

"Oh mere chocolate."

"Come on Howard. I know you _love _it!"

"No I don't!"

"Well I love chocolate! It's the best thing since Raspberry bootlaces!"

"What's the big deal about milk chocolate?"

"Mick Jagger eats it!"

"_Here we go again." _Howard thought in his head. Ever since Vince found out that Mick Jagger ate milk chocolate, he was in a frenzy.

"I eat it, and I bet if he knew I existed, he would kiss me!"

"You just ate 13 bars you berk!"

"But I love it…"

Vince loved chocolate more than anything in the entire world. Howard thought that it was just unhealthy and didn't want to get into this argument in the first place. However, Vince was right about him loving chocolate, during his childhood, he would eat a few pieces at Christmas or any other holiday.

"Well… Okay. I guess I do love chocolate."

"Cool! Which one?"

Howard couldn't say "which one" there were so many, but he had to support his friend after he ate a shocking 13 bars of chocolate. Maybe milk chocolate was the best and he just had to give up?

"Okay, milk chocolate's the best."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"You're not just saying that."

"No. If Mick Jagger eats it, then you should eat it."

"Wow! So this means _I_ win!" Vince cheered.

"Alright. You got me. But there _is _another chocolate that's _way _better!" Howard declared.

"Ooo! What is it!" Vince asked, sounding like a little boy and Howard was his father.

"The better chocolate is -."

Suddenly, before he could say what the best chocolate was, an announcement came on the

loudspeaker. It was Bob Fossil. "All staff please report to the front gate immediately. Thank you."

Everyone gathered at the front gate, Vince and Howard were the last ones to arrive. As they followed Fossil's orders, Howard gazed adoringly at Mrs. Gideon, who was walking by. "What? Are you spying on Gideon?" Vince teased. "No." Howard replied nervously.

Bob Fossil noticed them talking and stopped them immediately. "Hey blockheads? Could you two stop talking so I can get on with my announcement? This is important for all of you!" He answered seriously "You too Joey Moose!". After seeing the seriousness of the announcement, at last, everyone let Mr. Fossil speak.

"I've got big news!".

**AN: Review please, your thoughts make my day :-)**


	2. The New Girl

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Mighty Boosh, it belongs to its rightful owners :-)**

There were many whispers in the crowd of staff upon hearing that single quote. What could the big news be? Was it something big?, was someone getting a raise, or just getting fired?. "I think Joey Moose is getting fired." Vince whispered to Howard as he gazed adoringly at Mrs. Gideon. "Yeah okay." Howard replied lost in his own thoughts.

Vince couldn't believe what he was seeing, his friend not paying attention to him and interested in someone else. It made him want to cry, but not this time. "Seriously… There is a big announcement and all you do is stare at Gideon?". Something snapped inside of Howard, he wanted to set things straight with Vince and help the person who _still_ didn't notice him, but would someday. "I'm sorry Alright! At least I'm trying! All you do is look at yourself in the mirror all day!". Their outburst left everybody staring and some laughing. Bob Fossil was not amused, you could see in his eyes that he wanted to get on with this announcement.

As everybody settled down, Bob gave up and let Dixon Bainbridge make the announcement. "Bainbridge. Maybe you should make the announcement." Everyone watched in amazement as Bainbridge started to make the announcement. "Beloved staff, I'm pleased to say that we have a new member joining us." He said proudly.

Oh the excitement of a new staff member!

"Please give a warm welcome to Clara Ackerman". Mr. Fossil opened the zoo gate, and a tall, beautiful woman came through. She had long, flowing, dark-red locks, pale skin and emerald green eyes. Once she came through, the male staff members were struck with amazement, including Howard who had stopped staring at Mrs. Gideon and started staring at the new girl. Mrs. Gideon on the other hand was jealous of Clara just like the other female staff members in the zoo. "Alright peoples. Stop talkin' and start walkin'" Bob Fossil demanded in front of Clara, as he too was one of the other males affected. "I need someone kind and generous to show Miss Ackerman around the zoo." This produced a mad rush from the male staff. "Not you blockheads! I was talking about Mrs. Gideon." If you looked at her face you could tell that she didn't want to do it.

Vince had different feelings. He didn't know what to do. He was absolutely in love with this woman, but didn't want to be like the others - Complete idiots drooling at her feet. He decide to pretend to hate her to cover his feelings since that's what all boys do when they like someone, but he knew that someone, somewhere would find out eventually.

"Ugh! You're grotesque! Where did you come from? The trash?" Vince said to Clara insolently. Mrs. Gideon laughed, but the male staff members were not amused. Howard came up to Vince and became more serious than ever. "I'll deal with you later".

A few hours later, after the incident, Vince sat on the bench and began to think _"Who does this girl think she is? What is she doing to the guys? What is she doing to ME? I feel funny."_

Suddenly, Clara walked over to Vince and kindly said hello to him. Vince knew that he had to stay in character, so he thought of meaner things to say and moved on.

"What do you want?" Vince asked quietly.

"I just wanted to say hi." Clara said innocently. Vince was absolutely gorgeous to her.

"Go away." Vince replied. The sad thing was that he didn't mean that and no one was watching so he could stop acting.

"You're dreadfully arrogant." Vince was surprised to hear someone say that about him.

"You're annoying." he said back.

Clara giggled and thought of something nice to say to get Vince out of his acting stage - even though she didn't know he was in it. "You're fun. I think I'll give you a kiss." Upon hearing that single quote, he thought of sneaking on Mick Jagger's tour bus to Phoenix. But he remembered his mother saying "Running away from your problems never solves anything." So he thought of saying what he always said when somebody said something weird like 'Kiss me Vince.' He had to say it before it actually happened. "I have to get away from you cos' you're a freak. See you later loser." Vince thought that she would break down in tears because of rejection, but instead she said something else. "Okay… See you later stranger!".

Vince ran to find Howard as fast as he could. He couldn't believe what was happening. Why him? Why couldn't it have been Howard or some random guy? It _had _to be him!

"HOWARD!"

Howard jumped up from the bench and fell to the ground upon hearing his name. "Don't do that ever! I could've had a heart attack!" he said clearly, but Vince was in too much of a panic to listen to important things.

"THE NEW GIRL JUST TOLD ME THAT SHE WANTED TO KISS ME!" Howard was surprised and a little furious at the statement.

"New girl? She has a name Vince. It's Clara in case you haven't noticed."

"I did notice!"

"Don't you _love _her?"

"No! She's ugly!"

Those three words angered Howard and wanted to make him set Vince straight. "You don't know anything about her!" Vince was shocked at Howard standing up to him, he decided to fight back. "What's wrong with you? Your falling for an ugly bitch!". The whole staff, including Clara gathered around them and encouraged them to fight, but there was no hitting or punching. There was just hitting and punching other people's feelings. "You're just jealous! A woman of her standards is way to complicated for you. Why. You're not even worthy to have her spit on you! Or any woman of that matter."

The audience was shocked! Followed by 'gasps' and 'oooh's', They stared in awe, They couldn't believe Howard would say such a thing - they couldn't believe how far he had come from since he first started working there - from a pacifist to a noble fighter. Clara herself was surprised, yet hurt. She didn't want Vince's feelings to be hurt after the incident because she believed that if Vince cried, she would cry with him.

Fortunately, that didn't happen. Instead, Vince wondered why Howard was falling for, as he called her "The New Girl" what happened to Mrs. Gideon? And he was going to ask that same question. "What happened to Gideon?" Vince asked. Howard responded with a murmur, but Vince demanded that he spoke up.

"IT'S TIME FOR ME TO MOVE ON!"

After that, a shocking silence fell upon the zoo, but after two minutes everyone left - everyone left except for Vince. He just stood there. He couldn't believe that Howard was moving on. He had always remembered the good times when he was chasing Mrs. Gideon, He even remembered when Howard followed her all the way to her flat, he - once again faced rejection and killed one of her Koi carp by crying into her fish pond! But now, it was over… Thanks to the dammed Clara Ackerman.

Vince found Howard sitting on the bench. He wanted to make things right again with his friend, but he believed in his heart that is wasn't going to work out.

"Howard?"

"What do you want?"

"Sorry."

Before they were about to make up, Clara appeared out of nowhere. "Hi there!" exclaimed Clara. She hadn't made any friends yet and was so excited to see the boys. "Jesus Christ! Don't ever do that again! You shouldn't even be here." Wailed the electro poof. Even though he was acting, it all sounded so real. "Okay. You're Vince right?" Clara asked politely. "Yeah…" It all seemed so stupid because Fossil should have introduced her to all of the employees. "Okay. Well if you need help, I'm always here."

She gave him a flirtatious wink and returned to her job.

"I hate her so much…" Vince mumbled under his breath, thinking she was still there. "I heard that!" yelled Howard "how could you hate _her? _You're lucky." Vince didn't want to come out of his acting stage just yet, he needed to seal the deal. "I'm not lucky, you're pathetic." then he walked away.

Clara had just finished tending to Bollo. She took a break by taking a stroll through the woods that were at the back of the Zooniverse. She loved taking walks outside her job, especially at the back of the Zooniverse. The longtime workers at the Zooniverse called the woods "The Soundgarden." The Soundgarden was what people would call "A magical place." It had amazing woods with crystal clear waters so perfect that you could see your reflection. You could swim in the waters and the fish wouldn't even mind! The trees were incredible! They were described by the employees as being ten feet tall with little burrows that you could hide in. The forest got its name because there is always this little tune that is played on a pipe, playing from nowhere and no one knows who is playing the pipe. The Soundgarden was all they had after the Jungle room closed. Before she could go to The Soundgarden, she was confronted by Mrs. Gideon.

"What were you doing talking to Vince?"

"I was just saying hello."

"Let's get one thing straight. You stay away from him and we stay out of each other's way."

"You're Mrs. Gideon right?"

"What's it to you?"

"Because I think we'll be marvelous friends!"

"You're going in the wrong direction darling. We're not friends."

"What…"

"Clara, You are an idiot."

"Oh no. People think I'm quite smart, really, but if you think I'm an idiot then -

"Shut up! I'm telling you for the last time. Stay away from Vince or my lovelies will strangle you to death."

"What lovelies?"

"You don't want to know…"

After that conversation, Clara remembered Mrs. Gideon's chilling voice telling her what to do _"Stay away from Vince." _How could she stay away from the man she loved? It was going to be hard, especially when you have a swarm a men competing for your attention in front of many jealous female employees. The fact was clear - Mrs. Gideon was Clara's new found enemy.

**AN: Sorry to make Clara sound like a Mary-sue, she isn't. Don't believe me, it will all be explained in the next few chapters.**


	3. What's Wrong With Clara?

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Mighty Boosh, it belongs to its rightful owners :-)**

Clara wandered off after her warning. _"I guess I have a competition." _she thought. Mrs. Gideon was more interested in Vince than Howard, she didn't even know he was there at some times. She admired his paintings, even the one he painted of Howard with the pink oval replacing his face, claiming it looked just like him.

Clara didn't know too much about Vince but she was determined to make him hers and make friends with Mrs. Gideon, because everyone expected her too.

The next day, Howard and Vince didn't talk to each other. They were still mad after the incident that happened yesterday.

**Vince's P.O.V.**

"_Who does he think he is? I like invented him! I'm the one who made people talk to him when we were in school, I'm the one who got him out of trouble all of those times… AFTER ALL I DID FOR HIM HE STILL HATES ME! All for one stupid girl. He'd be better off with Gideon… Probably not… I remember that time I had to bail him out of jail after he was seen at her flat. That was genius._

**Howard's P.O.V.**

_I love traveling early in the morning. Vince looked like an idiot yesterday… How amusing._

It was 4:00 A.M. and the duo were riding on a bus to the Zooniverse. They didn't have to go that early, but it was for a very special reason.

"So why are you kids on the bus so early?" the bus driver asked. "No reason." Vince answered, but Howard was eager to answer.

"We're going to impress a girl!"

"Howard!"

"Oh you kids and your shenanigans. Good luck with that." The bus driver replied.

Howard was holding a bunch of roses complete with a card that said _From your secret admirer._

"You know, it's not very 'secret' if you give them to her personally."

"How did you know all about that?"

"I heard your plan last night… And your proposal plan."

"YOUR INSANE! I'M NOT GOING TO…"

"Right…"

The bus finally arrived at the Zooniverse. It was so dark that it seemed that the whole world was a vampire. The two men stepped out of the bus carefully. "Have fun and good luck!" the bus driver said, after that, he drove off into the darkness and that was the last they ever saw of him.

"How do you know she's here?" Vince asked. "I don't, but when she finds out that we came here at 4:00 A.M., she'll love us!" Howard replied with eagerness.

Vince unlocked the gate to the zoo and tried to find Clara, but as it appeared, there was nothing but darkness. "See? She isn't here! We might as well hang out in the cabin!"

Suddenly, a noise was heard from nowhere, the sound of humming. "What was that!" Vince yelled. "Calm down, It's just -" He grabbed Howard and they traced the source to Bollo's cage, it was Clara.

"Clara! What the hell are you doing here!" Vince yelled in shock, still acting. "I always come to work at 4:00 A.M., this is when I count the flowers." she said. "You're such an idiot." Vince replied.

**Howard's P.O.V.**

_It's time for my plan to come to action!_

"Marry me Clara!" Howard exclaimed. Unfortunately, Clara just giggled. "That's very sweet of you, but my heart belongs to someone else."

Howard was heartbroken after she said that, who would he give the roses to? "You could always give those roses to Mrs. Gideon." Clara said. "Good luck with that." Vince replied, knowing that Howard would get turned down just like all the other times.

Broad daylight came and the Zooniverse was, once again, packed with visitors. "Come on Howard, you have to stop thinking about her." Vince said to his friend as he sat on the bench, depressed. "No. I'm not getting off of this bench until she at least asks me for help." sulked Howard.

It took a while for Vince to answer, but in the few precious minutes, he answered with a simple, yet fake "You're pathetic" and walked away.

Clara saw Vince talking on his phone. "Yeah. That was genius! Hey Leroy, I want to tell you about this new girl at our zoo."

Clara's stomach flipped as she heard him mention her "He's talking about me!" she whispered. Suddenly, her name was heard over the loudspeaker. "Attention. Clara Ackerman, I got something stuck in my belly button, I want you to get it out, thank you." It was none other than Bob Fossil.

Vince turned around and saw Clara spying on him. It didn't bother him because she had to do something disgusting. He laughed like a hyena, along with the whole Zooniverse.

Clara went to a corner near the cabin where Vince and Howard usually hung out, sat down and cried her eyes out.

**Clara's P.O.V.**

_The zoo is no place for me! Everyone here is just attracted to me because of how I look. They don't see how I am on the inside! No one knows what I'm going through!_

After drowning in her sorrow, she grabbed a knife that she kept handy, and (cut)…  
Blood ran down her arm, she screamed in agony, but no one heard her, no one except for Vince. He peeked around the wall to see if she was okay, but all he saw was horrifying. _"What the fuck!" _he thought.   
Clara was still conscious after losing so much blood. She took an ornate looking vial out of her pocket to catch the remaining droplets of blood that fell from the cut on her wrist. Once the vial was full, She drank the blood and as an effect, her eyes were glowing, almost like they were burning emerald flames.  
Vince turned and ran away after he saw this, he wanted to scream, do anything to save the zoo from this... Creature, was he dreaming? Was he hallucinating? It was all so confusing!

"Howard! I saw Clara do the weirdest things!"

"Oh! I Wanna see!"

"This is serious! She cut herself and she drank her own blood! She DRANK it!"

"Not a problem."

"What do you mean not a problem? She could kill the entire staff!"

"Alright. They deserve it… For making fun of us."

Suddenly, Clara appeared out of nowhere, the cut still bleeding. "Hey guys can I join your crew?"

**AN: I guess this proves my point that Clara isn't a Mary-Sue. If you pay attention, she's depressed :-( Please review, your reviews count the most! :-)**


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